i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
