why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Randomize
