glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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