Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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