the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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