you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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