So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
