i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
