ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
not ubering you a puppy
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
