i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
