4 words: hood of his car
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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