no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
