Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
