he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
