Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
