Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
