The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
