Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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