i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
