Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
