is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
