Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I need to calm my uterus...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
