I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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