She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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