I'm so fucking centered right now
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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