'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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