I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
