Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
