I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize