just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
