Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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