Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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