Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
