I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
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