also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
