Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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