If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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