She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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