i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
