Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
