K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
