Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
