I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
