Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
