onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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