to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
The adults are the big ones right?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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