I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
