Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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