i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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