I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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