Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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