so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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