She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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