I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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