my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
