I'm so fucking centered right now
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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