New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize