I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
