Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
