Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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