I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
