so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
