I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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