Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
