I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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